The Sushi Experiment

I went to the grocery store to pick up a newspaper. L and I were hungry, so we browsed a few aisles. I snagged some shrimp for the Hubby-Man and looked in the other cooler for some fresh tuna. (my favorite) There were no happy tuna steaks, but there was prepackaged sushi. My brain said "Ewwwww" but my tummy said "Yes!"
I know people who have eaten prepackaged sushi and lived to tell about it. I know it can be done. But this stuff looked... prepackaged, to say the least. What I saw was a plastic tray with 8 rice squares and some packets of stuff that wasn't ketchup. The packaging read, "Fresh Gourmet Sushi" and along the side was, "With Wasabi!" As if wasabi was some sort of limited-time bonus product.
It gets worse.
Lets look at the "sushi" again. Each rice square was holding a circle of stuff. The tray labeled "california rolls" had a piece of artificial crab meat, a bit of what I assumed was avocado, and some green leathery-looking stuff (exactly the same shade as the avocado), surrounded by seaweed, which was surrounded by the square of rice. And the rice had toasted sesames decorating it's outside edge.
Another tray held "spicy crab sushi". This was the leathery green stuff and what looked like pink crab cakes, surrounded by the rice cube.
Dubious but desperate, I bought them both. Once at home, I began the experiment. Each tray held three condiment packages. Soy sauce, wasabi paste and ginger. I opened the packet of wasabi and squeezed it out. It was exactly the same shade as the avocado. I dabbed my finger in it and tasted. The wasabi was tasteless. It did wake up my sinuses, but taste-wise it was bland. I added all the soy sauce in an attempt to give it some flavor. The ginger was in a liquid. Sampling it showed the liquid was sugar water. Hmmm.
On to the sushi! I tried the spicy crab first. It wasn't very spicy. The sticky rice was ok, but a bit chalky. The pink crab stuffing was decent. The green stuff was wet, crunchy and without taste. I smothered it all in my wasabi/soy sauce mix. I offered some to L, and he surprised me by taking one. He liked the rice. He liked the crab. He spit out the green stuff and the seaweed.
This looks like a good place to discuss the seaweed. It was ultra-thin and falling apart. I decided it wasn't really seaweed, but some sort of black dye that had been airbrushed onto the rice square.
I gave my son the rest of the (not so) spicy crab, and opened the california rolls. They must have been older than the crab, because the rice was stiff and cakey, not tender like it should be. After the first one, I amused myself by trying to removing the rice from the airbrushed-on seaweed in one piece. After a few attempts, I just started pushing the crab/green stuff/avocado mix through the rice and into the wasabi. I then put the mix atop the remaining spicy crab squares, and ate it that way.
After finishing the "sushi", I summoned up the courage to read the ingredients. The sticky rice was saturated with high fructose corn syrup and corn starch. "Well, that explains the stiffness." I thought. The black dye was actually seaweed, surprise, surprise. The green leathery stuff was -brace yourself-


green beans

Lords, Gods and Minor Deities! green beans!
No wonder L spit them out.