The Real Life Exploits Of My Sleeping Brain
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I think I'm getting close to the one year anniversary of my foot accident, because it's been hurting like crazy the past few days. This is only relevant to this story because the pain was keeping me in a state of semi-wakefulness, even though I was exhausted. I heard a noise outside like someone was collecting aluminum cans at our dumpster, and it segued into a dream:
I got out of bed and looked out the window. I saw this guy

With a clear trash bag full of aluminum.
I wondered why Rasputin was rummaging for cans. I mean, that was weird even for a dream; and I knew I was dreaming. As I watched him in the darkness, I knew there was no way he could see me. Yet he turned his head and stared right at me. Or at least where I ought to be, except he couldn't see me. Because the blinds were drawn. And I was in total darkness. So there would have been no back lighting to show my figure.
He walked toward the next dumpster, keeping his eyes pointing toward me; and I noted that the dream Rasputin had streaks of white in his hair and his beard was long and scraggly. (thus the photoshopping)
Suddenly, he dropped the bag of cans and dashed across my neighbor's yard. The bag made a rattling noise as it fell then vanished. (the awake part of my mind identified this as Hunter bumping the dishes in the drying rack, then jumping off the counter.)

I dashed to the living room to make sure the front door was locked. I was just nearing the big picture window that looks out on the river when Rasputin jumped up and pressed his face against the glass in classic horror movie fashion. It scared the bejeezus out of me. Then he started pounding on the front door.

I pressed my back against the door, even though it was locked with two dead bolts. The door was shaking and bending a little at the edges, so I tried to bring my hubby-man into my dream so that he could save me. But the hubby-man was deeply asleep, so I couldn't summon him.
I felt a sharp bite on my right arm and saw that Rasputin had forced his fingers through the door jamb and taken a chunk out of my arm with his creepy long fingernails. ("Ah Ha!" My waking mind said, "This is a nightmare... Or maybe just a scary movie type dream. Either way, he's splintering the door; you'd better do something.")
My neighbor Gary appeared out of thin air and helped me hold the door shut. I was relieved. Then I was angry. After all, who the hell does this Rasputin looking, grey haired, claw-nailed geezer think he is that he can attack me out of the blue and scratch my arm through my own damn door?!?

So I yanked the door open and went after him. He dashed over to my other neighbor's yard and stood there rubbing his hands together and looking malicious. He moved toward me in a menacing manner and I started toward him too. I had no clue what I was doing, or how to fight him. All I knew was that moving forward was the right action. The hubby-man appeared in the doorway and tossed me a rolling pin. (I guess he'd entered a REM cycle, LOL.)

A rolling pin? WTF am I supposed to do with a rolling pin? Hubby-man said, "You're a woman! He has no defense against women's tools!" (I beg your pardon?) "It's anachronistic to his era!" The hubby-man explained.

So I whacked ineffectually at Rasputin a few times with the rolling pin, then decided I'd better get a wooden spoon instead. (this actually makes sense. The wooden spoon was the tool of choice for meting out punishments during my childhood.)

I ran through the house, grabbed a wooden spoon from the kitchen drawer and went out the back door. Rasputin was waiting for me in the back yard. His bag of aluminum was back, only now it was filled with bones. Some of then had been carved into rings and ornaments. "That's kind of twisted," I thought; and I got ready to go to town on him with my wooden spoon.

It wasn't much of a fight. I whacked him once with the spoon; felt the punishing hand of my entire line of ancestresses flowing though me -and thus the spoon- And Rasputin collapsed into ashes.

The bag of bones split open and a crowd gathered to look through them. Someone asked me what I was going to do with the bones. "Dissolve them in a vat of acid?" I replied. It seemed like a good idea. The crowd turned away, and I saw that a girl had attached 4 of the carved bone rings to her hair.

The hubby-man and I tackled her and removed the rings. One of them crumbled and showed the real ring that was hiding in the bone. It was Rasputin's Evil Ring Of possession or some-such. And although I was tempted, because I like shiny gemstones; I dumped it in the giant black cauldron of acid that had appeared when I wasn't looking, along with all the bones. I even had a wooden spoon to stir it all up.
Then I (finally) fell into a real sleep.

I would say I couldn't make this stuff up, but apparently I did whilst I was dreaming. :D