Stingy

I've been stingy. There's a thing happening with my family, and I've only briefly touched on it. I just wasn't ready to go public with the whole mess. I still don't feel ready, but it's impacting my writing, so I'm going to talk about it. Ready or not, I need to get this out in the open. My family isn't listening, so it's up to you in blog land to listen in their place. I need to feel like I've been heard, and perhaps what I say here can help you down the road. Thank you all for reading me.

My grandma is in her late 80's. Sadly, I can't say how old she is. I think she's 86 or 87, but I really can't remember. She's always looked the same to me, and counting candles has never been my strong suit.
She's been in and out of the hospital for as long as I can remember. This past year, she's been in the hospital a lot. When we talk on the phone, she tells me that she would like to die. She's not whiney about it. I don't think grandma owns a pity pot. She simply expresses how tired she is of life, and how nice it would be if God were done with her.
Well, God isn't done with her. I think His latest plan is to use her to test my family. We've never been a great family, but we're better than some. We have a closeness that you don't see every day. We have love; even when we don't have fondness. But moving grandma is a tearing a few of us apart.
I confess; I've never had much use for grandma. (Isn't that an awful thing to say?) Beyond a deep spirituality, we don't have much in common. I spent my youth trying to survive. I rarely thought about walking the 7 blocks to her house and hanging out with her. I saw her on Sundays, that was enough for me. When I took my first tentative steps into Paganism, I actively avoided grandma. Selfish teenager that I was, I thought she wouldn't understand. I thought I would cause her grief, and I worried that she would pray for me; when her prayers could go toward someone who actually needed them. As if there aren't enough prayers to go around. Grandma has a rosary for ever member of the family. She prays over every single one of them. She prays for our health, our peace of mind, our happiness, our strength to deal with hardship, and yes -our souls. I think grandma accepted that I was pagan before I accepted that she would pray for me no matter what my religion was.

I hope to return that unconditional love now. Grandma needs an advocate. Someone who can see her as a person. Someone who will speak up for her, instead of speaking up for themselves or speaking from their issues.
Not everyone in the family is behaving like a child, but the childish ones are the ones who call me. It's hard.