My friends already know all this stuff, you feel free to skip this entry. Before you do, though, thank you thank you thank you for being there for me.
Ok. I have Mitral Valve Prolapse and it's driving me up a wall. When this condition gets really bad, I tend to shut up and not tell anyone. I'm sitting here with a holter monitor taped to my chest, it's 10:40 at night, and my heart has been fluttering for almost an hour. Right now I'm furious that my doctor can't find my MVP. I'm furious that I've been living with this shit for ever. Well, I'm just furious, damnit.
I know this tooth-grinding anger is really just another symptom of my MVP. I'm all alone in the house, and I can't get a grip on my anger. It's exactly like a panic attack, except I'm mad instead of anxious. I've been looking on the net, and I'm going to ask Dr. Pozzi for some anti-anxiety meds. I hate taking pills, and I feel I don't know nearly enough about selective seratonin re-uptake inhibitors. Does anyone know the long term effects of taking them? At times like this I just wish I could be normal. I like my life, I love who I am most of the time. I'm usually happy and (as an added bonus, if you order in the next 15 minutes) I get to have a nifty "special" condition that makes me unique once in a while. As the MadMan would say, it's all gravy!
I found a survey for MVP sufferers. The majority say palpitations are their most bothersome symptoms, closely followed by anxiety. I can totally agree with that. 54% see a general practitioner, and 51% say their doc is only somewhat supportive of them. I'm not alone!
Anyway, I'm not in a good space right now. I know I'll get over it by morning. I'm going to lie down and meditate. Of all the things I've tried meditation is the only one that's really effective. It's this blasted monitor that's freaking me out. I've been stressing all day, "Will they find something this time? Am I a hypochondriac? Will I get a good MVP attack to show up on the monitor? Am I now going to have to take 50 billion western medicine pills to mask my condition? Is there anything out there to just stop this?"
It's a pretty ugly endless loop, eh? Most of the time I get a few uncomfortable moments a day, no biggie, moving on with my life. You know? Usually when I get a panic attack, I run an internal mantra of, "It's just your brain being whacky, it'll pass in a few minutes. It'll pass. It'll pass...No-one is going to break in, the house is not catching fire, everybody is still breathing..." I'll count seconds or listen to my hubby breathing, anything to pass the time until my adrenaline gets back to normal. It's all part and parcel of my life. If I didn't have these challenges, I'd have others. We choose our problems for the gifts they can give us. When I have a string of bad days like this, I sometimes forget that. When I started this post, I was ready to give up. Like a little kid playing a game, "Do over!"
I'm not out of this game yet, damnit! This is my fucking life, and I'm not quitting over a paltry rapid heartbeat and some stress. All things pass with time, and this too will change to the usual rainbows and sunshine that my life is. I am not broken, I am not poor, I am not helpless. I can see, and taste, and smell, and hear, and touch other's lives and awaken them to the beauty of it all. I've been trying to fix everyone else, and this is just my body's way of saying, "enough."
My roomie is home, so I'm gonna go upstairs and meditate this shit away.